Sustenance
by TamSibling
Summary: Another scene that could have been. What I think happened while the crew was on Haven. Set during the BDM. SimonKaylee.


It was nice to be among friends, Kaylee always felt that. Even when they were sailing in the black with nothing but each other, Kaylee always felt a sense of comfort knowing that she was surrounded by good people, good friends, good crew.

But even the relative comfort and safety of Haven could not stymie her fears tonight. So, giving her apologies to some of the miners and checking out with the captain, Kaylee had prepared a heaping plate of extra food to take back on board to Simon and River.

Simon had refused to leave the ship – well, more accurately, he had refused to leave his sister's side. Kaylee knew it was paining him to see her, trussed up like some animal, unable to interact with them, unable to move about of her own will. And while Kaylee would have liked to tell the captain exactly what she thought of his treatment of River, she knew that it would be a lie. A lie told to bolster Simon's feelings, but a lie of what she truly felt was right. The truth was, based on the feed she'd seen from the Maidenhead, River was more than unpredictable, she was truly dangerous, and while Kaylee did not honestly believe she would knowingly hurt her or the rest of the crew, Kaylee also wasn't so sure that River was fully aware of her actions – knowing may never enter into it.

Returning to the ship, she headed straight for the galley, guessing she would still find Simon there, and she was right. He was sitting, his back against the closed door to the pantry, his head in his hands. Kaylee paused for a moment, wondering if maybe she should just leave him be. She didn't want to; God how she didn't want to; she wanted to go to him and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay, comfort him even though he had never asked, had never indicated that maybe she should. But she knew, she knew based on the way those blue eyes had gazed at her just twenty-four hours before when they'd been saying their goodbyes on Beaumonde. Kaylee wasn't as learned as Simon, but she felt she knew people, at least a little, and she had read the regret in his eyes, the hurt at leaving her and the ship, as clear as she had ever read words on a page.

So, screwing up her courage, Kaylee gripped the plate she held a little tighter and ventured into the room. "Simon," she called quietly, worried he was sleeping and that she would awaken him.

Raising his face to greet his visitor, Kaylee bit her lip at the sight of him. His expression was haggard, tired and his eyes held a look of defeat she had never seen before. Simon swallowed thickly a few times and then asked, "Kaylee? What are you doing here? Why aren't you with the others?"

Gesturing with the plate, she knelt in front of him, sitting Indian-style and balancing the food on one knee. "I brought you some supper. You and River both, you need to eat."

Simon took the napkin she offered him gratefully, watching as she handed over the food. He took it, and allowed his hand to linger over hers for a moment, causing her eyes to meet his. "Thank you," he said softly, his eyes conveying a sincerity she would have felt from half a moon away.

Blushing, Kaylee cleared her throat and gestured to the closed door behind him. "You want me to help you with River?"

Following her gaze, he sighed heavily and Simon said, "No, I'll do it."

He was about to heave the door open when another voice startled them both. "Well, hello there boy."

Turning at the suddenness, Simon took in the shepherd's wise face and smiled. "Shepherd Book, it's a pleasure to see you again."

"And you, son, although I admit, I wish it were under different circumstances." Book moved forward and extended a hand to Kaylee, helping the girl rise. She gave him a quick hug and then said, "Well, I'll let you two visit for a bit. 'Night Simon," she added, hating the wistful tone to her voice, but knowing it would be improper to hang around when the Shepherd had expressly come to see his old crewmate.

"Kaylee." The Shepherd's voice called her back. Turning, she looked to him expectantly and he smiled at her, that knowing grin she remembered very well. "I actually thought I'd come and relieve Simon from sitting with River. Why don't you two go eat some of that fine food you brought?"

Before Kaylee could answer, Simon stepped forward, forcing Book to meet his gaze. "Oh no, I don't think that's such a good idea. I can't ask you to do that, Shepherd."

Taking the napkin from Simon's hand and wrapping a roll and a bit of meat into it, the Shepherd lightly pushed him in Kaylee's direction. "You didn't ask, son. Now go, get a bit of rest. I'll come get you if'n we need anything."

Simon nodded once, dumbfounded, but unable to put up much of a fight. The truth was he was hungry and tired. And he trusted the Shepherd, more than just about anyone else on board at the moment, except for maybe Kaylee. Gesturing toward the passenger dorms he said, "We'll be in my bunk."

Nodding once more to the young man, Book took him by the elbow and gently pushed him out towards the dorms. "Go, son. I've got this."

Offering him a weary smile, Simon turned towards Kaylee and extended a hand to her. Swallowing her sudden delight, Kaylee took the hand and they walked, she and Simon, towards his bunk.

Once the young people were out of sight, Shepherd Book opened the pantry door and stopped short at the sight before him. He and Mal had discussed what had happened with River and how her erratic behavior now bordered on homicidal, but it still broke his heart to see her, chained to the floor.

Entering the room, and kneeling just inside the doorway, he called to her, "River, child. It's Shepherd Book." When she did not move or make any sound, he added, "I've brought you some food."

Still nothing. Sighing, Book entered the room more fully and kneeled at her side. She was awake, those impossibly large brown eyes were open and staring at nothing; staring past him, past the walls of the ship, quite possibly past time and space all together.

"Aren't you hungry, child," he asked, placing a gentle hand to the side of her head.

At his touch, River turned her gaze towards him and blinked rapidly as a few tears fell. Rising up a bit, she studied his face for a moment more, before whispering, "Noah's ark is a problem."

Smiling with relief that the girl had managed to find her way back to the present, at least for a moment, Book extended the food he'd brought in her direction and answered, "I'd heard that."

---- ----

As Simon pushed open the door to his bunk, he saw the sight of his bed and it called to him. He was so tired, so weary, he was amazed that he'd managed to stay alert this long. Entering his room, he put the plate of food on the floor at his feet and then flopped down on the mattress, so grateful to have a moment of peace.

"Well, then, I'll just go."

It was Kaylee's awkward voice that pulled him from his small respite. Raising his head up, he saw her standing uncertainly in the doorway and mentally kicked himself for being so rude. "Kaylee, I'm sorry. I … I'm just so tired."

Waving off his apology, Kaylee blinked past a few tears that had pooled in her eyes. She hated to see Simon like this, so upset, so uncertain, it wasn't like him, at least not where his sister was concerned, and she knew it was killing him. "Nah, it's no big deal. You need some rest."

"Actually," he said, sighing heavily and rising to sit. "I could really use some company. Stay please."

She met his blue-eyed gaze and knew in that instant she would keep carrying a torch for this man before her until the day she died. Despite what the captain had said, about Simon obviously not caring 'cause he'd never made a move, Kaylee knew that weren't true. Simon did care, more than anybody else and it was that inborn sense of pride and nobility that had kept them apart. She'd known that the minute he'd told her being polite was a sign of respect. She'd known at that moment that he was different too, and it had made her flutter; just like now.

She entered his room and sat on the end of his bed, picking up the plate he'd set aside. "You really do need to eat, Simon," she chided, picking up a biscuit and breaking off a chunk. "You need to keep up your strength."

Simon smiled at her, that ridiculously handsome grin she loved, even as she fed him the piece of food. He knew this wasn't proper; that Kaylee should probably not even be in his room, let alone feeding him, but at this very moment, he didn't much care. He was glad he wasn't alone, glad he wasn't left to stew in his own guilt and anxiety over River and her quick downward spiral.

"She told me that once," Simon murmured, even as he took the plate from Kaylee and picked up the fork she'd brought to stab at some meat.

Confused, Kaylee asked, "Who?"

"River," Simon told her, smiling at the memory. "When we were on Jiangyin. We hadn't eaten all day, after the kidnapping." He was trying to make light of it, Kaylee knew, but she could see that there was still anger there, anger that they'd been taken, anger that they'd both almost been killed. "It was late, really late, and River, she wandered off and found these berries. She made me eat, told me I had to."

Simon swallowed down the food, a sudden lump appearing in his throat. River had told him a lot of things that night and it had been the first time he'd honestly considered that she may never get better. That despite his best intentions, he may not be able to fix what the Alliance had so assuredly broken. And the despair that had caused him, then and now, was overwhelming.

"Well, she was right," Kaylee told him, trying to smile to take away the pain he was obviously feeling. She could see it in his face, as his features tightened, his eyes squinting to blink away, well, tears she suspected. But Simon didn't cry, she knew that, she'd never seen him, not in the eight months he'd been on board, and she guessed, he wouldn't start now, no matter how dire the circumstance.

"It seems River's been right about a great many things," he said finally, taking another bite. "Although her assertion that I can make her better is high at the top of the list of things she's been wrong about."

"Simon, that ain't true." Kaylee took a hold of his arm, forcing him to look at her, but her breath caught in her throat when she saw the anger shining in his eyes.

"It's not," he asked her, again putting down the food as he was quickly losing his appetite. "Tell me, Kaylee, how in the past eight months have I helped River? She's been kidnapped, almost arrested, turned into a killer and almost captured by a bounty hunter." Simon's anger was on the rise, and while he knew Kaylee did not deserve the brunt of it, she was going to get it, because he couldn't stop it from bursting forth.

Rising, he paced a small path. "I have watched her swing from psychotic to sad to depressed to melancholy to manic and back again. I have given her dosage after dosage of drugs that by all rights should have killed her, they're so strong and I have watched her fight everyday to keep a hold of a sanity that she never should have lost in the first place." Stopping finally, his chest heaving with his emotion, Simon looked to Kaylee and bit out, "So tell me, Kaylee, how am I making her better?"

Kaylee's eyes had filled with tears. She had known Simon was upset, had seen it the minute they'd come back on board at Beaumonde, but she'd been unable to get a moment alone with him. Instead, she'd had to watch in horror as the captain had treated him terribly, yelling and hitting on him, despite Simon's assertions that he was only doing what was best for his sister. But now that she knew the extent to which he was hurting, she wished she had an answer, wished she could take that pain away. It just didn't seem right, for a good man like Simon to suffer so. He had given up everything for that girl locked up in the pantry, every single thing he'd had in this 'verse he'd simply walked away from, just to keep her safe and that meant Simon had a capacity for love that would rival most other folks Kaylee had or would ever meet.

Taking his hands in hers, Kaylee held his gaze and saw him struggle to fight back his own sadness. "'Cause you love her, Simon," she told him, her voice stronger and steadier than she'd thought it would be. "You love her, somethin' fierce, I done seen that, everybody on this boat has and that heals people in ways no drugs ever can."

Simon continued to hold her green-eyed gaze, amazed at the depth of emotion he saw in her eyes. He had denied his feelings for Kaylee for so long, that now, now when they were awakening, now when he wanted to do something about them, he felt he had no right to act on them. He had hurt her, every time he'd pushed her away, every time he'd said something stupid. But instead of running, instead of telling him to go jump out an airlock, Kaylee had continued to care about him, for him and River. She had continued to listen when he said stupid things and even now, when he'd had no right to rail against her so, she had sat there and taken it, because she didn't want him to be alone.

Sitting next to her and not taking his hands away, Simon whispered, "I'm sorry, Kaylee. I shouldn't have yelled, not at you. This is not your fault."

Reaching up, Kaylee only hesitated for a split second before running her hand through his hair. "It's okay. We all gotta yell sometimes. And sometimes it's a bit more satisfying to yell at somebody than nobody."

Simon smiled at her, knowing she was trying to let him off the hook, but he couldn't forgive himself that easily. "Still, that somebody should never be you."

Even as Simon reached up to run his hand down her smooth cheek, he knew he shouldn't. But he could not help himself. She was so beautiful; how had he missed that? Maybe I really am a boob, he thought to himself, remembering River's quite accurate assessment of him.

Kaylee delighted in his touch, but she knew this was not the time. Not the time for anything other than being a friend, a good friend to Simon. That was what he needed and if something else was going to develop from that … well, then she'd embrace it wholeheartedly, but she could read the conflict on his face, his concern for his sister and the uncertainty of their future warring with his need to be close.

Taking his hand from her face, Kaylee squeezed it gently and whispered, "Now that you've eaten, you need some sleep."

Simon smiled at her sheepishly, knowing she was right. But he wasn't quite ready to let this moment go, this moment between them that could easily turn into something more. "Kaylee, I … I don't want you to …"

Pressing a finger to his lips, Kaylee said, "Simon, I am hopin' and prayin' that the next words out of your mouth do not involve a deformed cow."

Simon actually laughed at that, a genuine laugh that did wonders to lift the ache on his heart. Taking the hand she had silenced him with, Simon kissed it and said, "No. I will not make that mistake again."

Smiling back at him, Kaylee's eyes twinkled with that undeniable light and she murmured, "Good. Now get some sleep."

"Stay." The word was out before Simon even knew he'd been thinking it. He didn't want her to go, that he knew. He didn't want her to leave.

He saw a frown crease her features and he immediately knew he'd overstepped his bounds. "I'm sorry, Kaylee. That was very …"

"Inappropriate," she teased, trying to let him know that it was okay.

Groaning, Simon said, "Man, I am never going to live that down."

Grinning even wider, she shook her head and said, "Nope."

Taking her hands again, he held her gaze and said, "Truly though, I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position."

Pulling one of her hands free, Kaylee rested it against his cheek and said, "I don't want you in an awkward position. I know everything's real jumbled right now. I don't want you askin' me to stay just 'cause you think you should or you think that's what I want. I know it's been a big day and you need the rest."

"I need you." Again, Simon spoke without much forethought. Watching as Kaylee's eyes filled with tears, he wondered if he wasn't onto something. "I know it might be selfish of me, and I know that it's not fair to ask, but please, Kaylee just stay with me."

Kaylee didn't have any words for that. And she could not deny him, not again. Nodding once, she waited as he lied down on his side, making room for her on the bed, and then she laid down next to him, her back to him. Wrapping his arm around her waist, she felt him nuzzle his head into her hair and inhale deeply. Snuggling back into him, Kaylee was amazed at how peaceful she felt. Dropping her arm to lie over the one at her waist, she felt his breathing slow in just moments.

Knowing he was out, Kaylee let out her own sigh of relief. She hoped this wasn't the only time they would ever be this close and even though she knew there were other more pressing matters at the moment, she could not help but fall asleep with a contented smile on her features.


End file.
